So I have emerged from days of query hell with the following blurb:
As a child, Olivia Herald encountered a malevolent spirit that was beyond any that she had perceived before—one that was so strong that it could take physical form and harm the living. The traumatic experience led her to turn her back on her powers to communicate with the dead, fearing that any contact with the spirits would eventually expose her to the same kind of peril.
Now, years later, Olivia has inadvertently created the same kind of sinister spirits—an entire ship's worth. Her actions leading up to their deaths were justified in her mind; after all, the crew had just raped, tortured, and murdered her companions, and meant to do the same to her. Her only option was escape, and she couldn't have known that the fire she started as a diversion would doom the Empyreal and its crew.
But the ghostly crew feels differently about her role—and unfortunately so do the authorities—and now Olivia will have to face up to the consequences of her actions. That will mean a trial, with a hanging if she's convicted, and taking up her powers once again for the final reckoning with the vengeful Empyreal's crew.
I think this one is a winner--but then each of the stinkers before this one also had a point where I thought they would do the job. Comments welcome!
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5 comments:
I'm statistically and categorically bad at queries, but I think this blurb is awesome.
The only thing I'd take a look at is the wording you use about the crew; that they "feel differently" is without a doubt an understatement, as I'm sure you'd intended, but I sort of feel like it should be even MORE understated, or else more violent. I think it's just a little too tame for what you've achieved with the rest of the blurb!
When do you query?
Thanks, Shadya, I'll play around with that. I'm planning on sending out the first batch at the end of this month. Gives me time to do some more edits on the manuscript. Not last edits, because I'm sure my crit group and beta will come up with more.
Ack, I know what you mean--I've got a few awesome betas that have gotten back to me with fantastic feedback. Still waiting for some more, but I already know I've got lots of work ahead of me.
Hey Angelica, this sounds really good. A couple suggestions: 1. you could probably cut the last half of the last sentence in the first paragraph because I think it's kind of implied that she fears for her life if she talks to them. 2. There are a few places where you can cut a "that" in the first paragraph.
That's all I have. It's really coming along. Good luck with it!!
Yeeks, I did a search on my ms and found all sorts of "that"s cluttering that up. That "that" was a joke, did you get that?
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